It’s a little weird that a friend running a marathon / having a holiday climbing Kilimanjaro / jumping out of a plane / is supposed to compel us to give to charity, but that seems to be the way it is, and it works jolly nicely, so keep it up, everyone.
That said, the idea of sponsoring someone by committing yourself to a virtuous action seems to be far more fitting somehow. And they have a cool name: The DoNation
We all know that fewer cars on the road is a Good Thing for all sorts of excellent and noble reasons. So instead we take the trains because we’re good people and WE GET ROYALLY FUCKED OVER for our troubles.
Now just what the bloody hell are you playing at, train companies / government? We know you must be very clever people because you can handle all that time-tabling, which would frazzle a normal mind.
So why does it take me to point out that your pricing policies are counter-productive to the common good and really very VERY fucking annoying?
Let me be clear: TRAINS ARE NOT PLANES. You are not a crappy irresponsible budget airline, you are public service. This means you have a responsibility not to fuck your customers in the arse when they use your service.
Increasing fares before improving service is not cool. Increasing the fees nearer the day of travel is not cool (see above: you are not an evil airline, you are a public service.)
Putting a tax on domestic flights would be VERY fucking cool, and could generate enough money to invest in rail without increasing fares. This might help make ‘the greenest government ever’ sound like it has some fucking balls, and be a pretty inspiring move.
Do you agree? Take action: http://www.bettertransport.org.uk/fairfares/petition
Hurrah! Just when it seemed our society couldn’t be any more broken or our world more fucked, we’re having another completely fucking pointless GM trial!
It turns out some businessmen in lab coats have found out that they can get a GM wheat to repel aphids, which is pretty neat.
What’s really clever is that they’ve taken THE SAME FUCKING TECHNIQUE WHICH WORKS WITHOUT USING ANY GENETIC FUCKING MODIFICATION WHATSOFUCKINGEVER and found a way to do it by tinkering with genes.
The real fucking GENIUS of this is, of course, that they can patent it and make money selling these sterile seeds to farmers so they have to come back and buy more every year.
If they’re lucky, they’ll ‘accidentally’ contaminate the entire fucking ecosystem so that one day we’ll HAVE to eat GM for every fucking meal. What sociopathic arseholes.
Fortunately the government hasn’t shut down the social networks yet, so you can still scream like fuck during the Government consultation which is running until the 19th August 2011.
Here are some points you might like to include:
Comments can be sent by email to: [email protected]
Do you want to learn more about how people like you behave? Or would it be more useful to learn how other people think?
Said General Clay to General Gore,
“Oh must we fight this silly war?
To kill and die is such a bore.”
“I quite agree,” said General Gore.
Said General Gore to General Clay,
“We could go to the beach today
And have some ice cream on the way.”
“A grand idea,” said General Clay.
Said General Clay to General Gore,
“We’ll build sand castles on the shore.”
Said General Gore, “We’ll splash and play.”
“Let’s leave right now,” said General Clay.
Said General Gore to General Clay,
“But what if the sea is closed today?
And what if the sand’s been blown away?”
“A dreadful thought,” said General Clay.
Said General Gore to General Clay,
“I’ve always feared the ocean’s spray,
And we may drown!” “It’s true, we may.
It chills my blood,” said General Clay.
Said General Clay to General Gore,
“My bathing suit is slightly tore.
We’d better go on with our war.”
“I quite agree,” said General Gore.
Then General Clay charged General Gore
As bullets flew and cannons roared.
And now, alas! there is no more
Of General Clay or General Gore.
Remember how in Fraggle Rock the Doozers spent all their time building great constructions, only to have the Fraggles come along and eat them?
The great thing was that the Doozers loved this because it meant they got to build more meaning they had to start over – but they were happy to do so because they just loved building, and ‘architecture is meant to be enjoyed‘.
The irony of a fucked economic system is that burning shit down actually creates the productive jobs which bring the sense of pride and dignity it seems these rioters crave.
So whilst it may appear to be the actions of a bunch of teenage rebels, it’s actually a swift and powerful job-creation programme inspired by advanced economic theory.
Jesus fucking H Christ. A bunch of fucking teenagers with tshirts wrapped around their faces has brought London to a standstill, and for what? To protest at their vapid futures which have been pissed away by generations of short-termism? To insist that their lives have meaning and they demand that politicians and business treat their future with the respect it deserves? To demand that the economy works for the people, and not vice-versa? To reduce the maximum number of working hours so that more people can earn, and yet still have more time to enjoy life? To urge the creation of a new law preventing landlords from owning more than 3 properties? To demand smaller class sizes, funded by scrapping the nuclear weapons programme? To ban domestic flights and increase the sustainable transport solutions for urban areas? For freedom of the internet? Banning genetically modified foods? No? None of that? Not interested?
You fucking amateur bunch of thieving selfish pricks.
Listen, kids: go back home and calm the fuck down, because if you think you’re powerful now, just imagine what you’d be able to do if armed with facts AND bricks. Put those looted TVs and iPads to some use and go and learn about the protests in Spain.
Get organised. Think. Educate. Teach. Talk. Get powerful. Then come back at the same time next year – just before the Olympics – and THEN set up a peaceful but well-defended camp in central London. Then you can hold the world’s attention with a mission worth fighting for.
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