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Terrorist = stupid wasp. Bull = stung politician. Everything you cherish but take for granted = china shop. 

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No terrorist has ever overturned my human rights, taken away my freedom, or demanded access to all my communications.

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How to make a Progressive Alliance actually fucking work

There’s an idea for elections called the “Progressive Alliance”. This is the not-Conservative parties working together to block the Conservative party getting a majority.

There are 3 problems with this.

  1. The “progressive left”  can’t organise for shit. The Right shut the fuck up and follow orders, knowing they’re on a mission. But because the left respect everyone’s freedom to make an unpressured and chakra-warming decision it’s a fucking nightmare getting anything done
  2. If the Conservatives can only be conquered if every other party teams up to fight them… well you might as well just call it the “Coalition of Losers”. But now imagine if there IS a Progressive Alliance and then they lose.  Can you IMAGINE the field day the Daily Mail would have with that! It’d be a pretty fucking massive blow to everyone’s self-esteem. Would YOU keep on fighting after that? Fucking losers!
  3. And what happens after the election? If they can’t organise to work together for mutual benefit on one day in June, then the next 5 years are going to be embarrassing slapstick.

So how to make a Progressive Alliance actually fucking work*? Here’s what our crack team of political advisors recommend saying:

  1. This election is a fucking sham.  It was called not for the benefit of democracy, or of the benefit of the citizens of this country, but purely for the benefit of the Conservative party.  Fuck that shit. Democracy and debate is important and makes for better policy. Just because there isn’t a decent opposition right now doesn’t mean that debate is dead. The people of the United Kingdom deserve more respect and consideration. This isn’t fucking Turkey.
  2. Conservatives don’t give a shit about voters. First-past-the-post voting means the vast majority of voters will not get the candidate they voted for. That’s fucked up. It a brazen and insulting lie to call it a fucking ‘majority’ when you get 1/3rd of the vote. The decisions in the next Parliament are WAY TOO FUCKING IMPORTANT for it to be just one party railroading whatever shit they want. This isn’t fucking Russia, either.

  3. Pass TWO NEW LAWS to fix the broken system THEN call another election and we can do this shit properly.

  4. Law 1: Proportional Representation in all elections and referendums so that your vote actually fucking counts. Look at this fucking graph.  The top one matches the bottom one – as it should – meaning that we would get what they voted for. But WHERE THE FUCK DID THE MIDDLE GRAPH COME FROM? That’s batshit fucking crazy. Look at all those fucking Scots! And .. Jesus fucking Christ that’s ridiculous – No WONDER people who vote for anything that isn’t red or blue are pissed off.

  5. Law 2: Make referendum law match General Election law. The enquiry isn’t complete, but is extremely likely that both Leave and Remain would have been disqualified if they’d told those same lies and use the same tactics during a General Election. It is an odd legal loophole which allowed them to get away with it and this should never happen again. Trust in politicians is at an all time low, and it’s bullshit like this which explains it.

* This may be a spectacularly fucking stupid set of ideas. What the fuck do we know? Tell you what though, it sounds good in a pub, and that strategy worked pretty fucking well for Nigel Farage.

 

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Be a decent fucking human being.

News today: a plane full of selfish fuckers would rather let a man be dragged off a plane and blame the airline than volunteer to delay their journey by a few hours.

I wonder who else we can blame for stuff tomorrow?

And YES OBVIOUSLY it’s not cool to drag ANYONE off a plane but today 80 Spartacuses chose to huff and tweet than remember that they benefit from the affordable tickets delivered by the overbooking protocol and timely departures.

Fucking twats.

Wait.. it gets worse. How could it be worse? Because before this one chap was dragged off EVERY passenger was offered $800 if they got off the plane and took a later flight. Which means everyone would rather sacrifice $800 and watch this than be part of a decent civilised society.

Fucked up. Totally fucked up.

If I were United Airlines I’d be tempted to kick everyone off never let any of them on one of my flights again.

Apart from that guy. He’d get free flights forever now because those security guards were out of order.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-39554421
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-39556910

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Fuck Brexit.

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Fake news didn’t lose the election. Not being able to tell the fucking difference did.

When reality is that fucked up it’s no fucking surprise that people want Something Else. And of course democracy isn’t working – it needs us to show up and maintain it. And rather than protesting tax abuses, or going on strike to stop austerity, or coming out to support the NHS / rest of the fabric of society, we were too busy thinking it was someone else’s problem.

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News is not entertainment. It can be entertaining, accessible, interesting, and funny. But it is NOT enterfuckingtainment.

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You know how right now you’re waiting for the aliens to arrive and tell us to get our fucking shit together or else?

Maybe we are the aliens. #plotTwist

Seriously though, get on the fucking case. This is on you now. Humanity is (almost) fucking fucked because Drake’s equation is true: most intelligent species fail to adapt their society’s quickly enough to accommodate their technology and end up screwing up their civilisations and never making it beyond the “clever monkey” phase.

If you’re doing something right now that’s not ONE HUNDRED PERCENT RIGHT ON FUCKING POINT then: Stop. Stop. Pause. Wait. Breathe deeply. Okay.

You’re here once. You’re on this planet, doing this thing once. You have one chance not to fuck this up. That just got a LOT harder because some gameshow cunt gamed the shit show that is modern democracy.

Whilst that’d be fucking sweet if it was Elon Musk, it isn’t. It’s some myopic egomaniac who thinks that he can ignore the laws of physics.

So it turns out you’re now needed to do things you never expected to do. You need to work harder, smarter, and more strategically, with more commitment than you ever expected.

And right now that means look at your work: are you doing something useful, brilliantly? If so, carry on, and thank you. If not – if you have one little inkling of doubt that perhaps your job isn’t really helping move civilisation forward then here’s what you need to do:

1. Think of where and how you can be most useful
2. Contact those people and volunteer to help. Make yourself useful.
3. Get offered a job.
4. Quit your current job.

That’d be really, really good.

Feels dramatic, doesn’t it? OF FUCKING COURSE IT DOES. THAT’S WHERE WE’RE AT.

Kloveyouthxbye.

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Like going to coffee shops? Then take a fucking mug with you.

Starbucks will give you 25p off. Caffe Nero will probably give you a few extra loyalty stamps if you ask nicely. Or if you go to an independent hipster joint you can earn their eternal respect for having some actual fucking authenticity in your commitment to not being a paper-cup chucking sociopath.

Or if you have any fucking dignity you’ll make your own fucking coffee and stop pissing your money away to prop-up the facade of your sitcom lifestyle.

In fact, if the link still works you can probably even drink it from a goodfuckingidea mug. But then everyone will know you’re a consumerist groupie and you’ll be shunned. 

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Fuck it. Bomb the bastards.

The attacks in Paris have been pretty galvanising. It really brings home the reality of what a small group of people can do it if they have the zeal and resources. It’s startling to realise that these people think they can come into a free society and so abuse the freedoms we enjoy.. to make us frightened of our fellow humans… that they think that they can solve problems with an ideological violence.. and that we’ll just sit back and accept it!!

Well they’re right. Because we do accept it. More than that, my compatriots fucking VOTED FOR IT.

How fucking hard is it to understand that if you destroy people’s lives they will probably bear a grudge? How fucking hard is it to understand that if you help people with solar power, clean water, education, and healthcare they’ll probably not want to kill you? How fucking hard is it to realise that if we keep fail to develop our own renewable energy we’ll keep buying the oil which funds all this fucking shit?

So after 30 years of being astonished that this shit goes on year after fucking year, I’m done. You know what – crack on. Bomb the fuckers. These single minded puritanical fuckwits WILL NOT STOP until they realise their decisions have consequences.

But, like you, we’re powerless and pissed off, so please don’t bomb us. Bomb the people who we both hate. Bomb Osborne. Bomb Hunt. Bomb May. Bomb Foges. And then together we can be rid of these ass-hats who are fucking it up for everyone.