Don’t fuck hospitals. Fucking nurses is still OK.

Doctors and nurses are sexy and lovely and wonderful and can do magic, and like everyone they love a good massage and some tender love-making.

What they don’t value so much is being fucked in the arse by a different politician every few years; and frankly it’s not something I like to watch either. In fact the only person getting their kicks is Andrew Lansley and the queue of rapist fucks behind him who intend to privatise the NHS bit by bit as they break down its will to live. Economic slavery through the medium of gang rape. Classy.

“We have to cut the budget from £100bn to £80bn” he says. Ok gotcha. Just one question, though. Why? Is it just about that? Because if it is, you have no role being in charge of the NHS. Sorry, but you’ve clearly missed the entire fucking point of being in charge. Your role, Mr Lansley, is to create the best lives for as many people as possible. You are in a unique position to restructure things to prepare us for the future of healthcare. Of course the NHS will have to change to do that, but you’re an old-school one-trick pony who seems pitifully ill-equipped to be able to do this job. “Competition!” is not the answer to everything, you ideological fuckwit.

Let’s be clear: the NHS is not, not will it ever be, a business. That’s why it’s centrally funded from taxes. If it worked as a viable business, America would have good healthcare. It doesn’t. They let people die in lobbies for lack of sufficient money to pay for treatment or insurance.

The NHS is a service we pay for because we have compassion for people in need. And when it comes to that we don’t really mind how much money it costs, because it’s what we value as important. If you don’t get that, get a new job.

But you’re probably still worried about the money thing, so let’s work together on this. You want to save £20bn. Ok. Here’s a list of expensive things we WOULD like to watch you fuck in the arse, followed in brackets by what you’ll save by doing it: high speed rail ( £8bn), nuclear deterrents ( £26bn), tax evaders ( £4-6bn on Vodafone alone), and not forgetting those perennial bastards: bankers ( £600bn).

Focus on your arse-fucking skills, Mr Lansley, and you might turn out to be the kind of ruthless bastard we’ve been longing for. Just… keep your hands off the NHS.

Write to a Lord, and / or sign a petition, then I suggest you go find someone who works in the NHS, or a patient, and offer them a nice massage. I think they’ll need one this week.