Drink more bottled water.

I love bottled water! I drink it every day and enjoying the approving glances from sexy ladies who like my devil-may-care attitude. I don’t worry a damn about school-masterly Adriatic turtles, or the fact that it’s possibly the most naive and ludicrous product ever created, or that it’s contrived to deceive.

I think drinking bottled water makes me look awesome – and not at all like a gullible and selfish twat – because like any sensible person I just refill any old bottle from a tap, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT’S FUCKING THERE FOR.